MEMORANDUM
Date: 4 February 1999
To: All Employees
CC:
From: Human Resources Department
Subject: Early Retirement
Due to the current financial situation, and probable future mergers, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 34 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retired Aged Personnel Early).
Persons selected to be RAPEd can apply to Management to be eligable for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help scheme AFter retiremenT). The situation of persons who have been RAPED or SHAFTED, will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for REtired Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice, but SCREWED as many times as Management deem appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Specially High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives the employees. Should your feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your Supervisor. He/she has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
THE BOSS
